Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A short rant on the subject of lawncare

Dear neighbors:

I just want to apologize for the appalling state of my lawn. I mean, I didn't think it was too bad, but because you called the city to complain about the length, you clearly disagree.

I'm sorry that I don't have the money to pay someone else to take care of my lawn for me, like you do.

I'm sorry that I care about the environment and don't want to pump fertilizers and weed killers into the ground.

I'm sorry that I don't want to waste potable water by pouring it all over a useless plant that American society has bizarrely deemed to be some kind of status symbol, when there are people in the world for which water is a precious and rare resource.

I'm sorry that I live in an area where the soil is basically sand, and therefore more suited for growing weeds than grass.

I'm sorry that you don't know what a dandelion looks like, because if you did, you'd understand that the mutated monster weeds in my front yard are not dandelions, but some kind of hell-spawn intent on devouring the earth.

This is a dandelion.

This is not a dandelion.

Look at how big it is!!!!!!! And not dandelion-y!!!!!

I'm sorry that my shitty push mower can't cut through the stems of the aforementioned hell spawn. All it can do is try to annoy them to death. So far this is not a winning strategy.

I'm sorry that you don't have the guts to come over here and tell me to my face that you don't like the way I keep my lawn, and that you found it necessary to tattle on me to the city, like a whiny little child.

I'm sorry I called you a whiny little child.

And finally, I'm sorry that you care so much. Your life must truly be devoid of meaning and joy.


PS - I cut the damn lawn. Except for the hell spawn, which I just pushed over.


  1. I had a neighbor once that would cut his lawn so short that it was burnt out by mid morning every time he cut it. On days that I would cut my nice, lush, beautifully green lawn he would cut his twice once before and once after I cut mine just so that his was shorter. He was also a busy body that could never mind his own god damned business. I had a severe dislike for him.

  2. I have those same weeds! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? Have you tried to pull them out of the ground? They're stubborn bastards, too!

  3. We have tried to pull them, SM, and it doesn't seem to matter! Our landlord said, "oh, just cut them and they'll go away." Apparently he has MAGIC SHEARS or something.

  4. Those steroid dandelions are actually Salsify, or in latin, Tragopogon